Steven Wright-isms

This is something else my sis sent me via e-mail.
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Steven Wright-isms
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1. I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
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2. Borrow money from pessimist's -- they don't expect it back.
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3. Half the people you know are below average.
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4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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7. A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
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8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
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9. All those who believe in phycho kinesics, raise my hand.
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10. The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.
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11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we even met.
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12. Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
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13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
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14. If everything seems to be going well, you have odviously over looked something.
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15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
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18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
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19. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
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20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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22. What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
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23. My mechanic said, "I can't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
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24. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
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25. If first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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26. A conclution is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you needed it!
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28. The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
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29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
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32. The cooler the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.