- Why do we say becareful after someone trips? It seems a little late to me, I've already tripped why do I need to be careful now?
- Why do we call a tooth brush a tooth brush not a teeth brush? I for one have more than one tooth.
- Why do we say pair of pants when there is only one? I understand it's because there are two pair of legs there but I only have one butt.
- Why is it so great to eat like a bird when you go out to eat? I know a few young men who want their dates to eat the darn food that they just paid for.
- And speaking of young men, my neighew called me dude. The last time I looked I was neither male nor a dude.
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Are Clones people two?
- Did Adam and Eve have navels?
- Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
- Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
- What if we told our kids go ahead and take risks....just make sure that everything turns out Okay?
- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Today it cooled down to near 70 degrees, and wind blowing so hard its making dust storms. I picked my daughter up at school and noticed that across the street the area that had been scraped clean of vegetation (just weeds and stuff) was blowing huge amounts of dirt right into the school. There was a sand or dirt drift as high as the curb and higher in some places.
Then I heard that we have a small chance of rain by this weekend. Actually rain would be welcome right now because it would wash away all the dust that is now on everything, and I do mean everything.
I got a new blog. Yeah, like I need a new blog like I need another hole in my head. But here's the link to my hole er, I mean blog;
Janice Seagraves wordpress blog, see you there!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to.."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you."
''Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?''
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!''
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.''
"Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
''Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes," the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By Janice Seagraves
Last night I dreamed I was super mom; able to out run a runaway car that someone forgot to set the brakes, able to leap a tall building to get to the kid on the other side that was heading into oncoming traffic. Faster than a speeding bullet as I recued; children that fell down wells, kittens from trees and puppies from drains, or was it the other way around? No matter. I’m super mom.
I could use my super minty fresh breath to cool down over heated kids or food. I could see through clothes to the unclean undies underneath. I could spot a dirty set of ears from a mile away. Just the smell of my homemade chicken soup could cure anyone of any illness. I’m super mom.
I stopped the bad guys by spraying oven cleaner in their eyes. But there was no lasting harm, because I used the new environmentally safe oven cleaner which I invented because I’m super mom! (The proceeds of which went to starving children in third world countries.)
I wore goggles and dish washing gloves to protect my identity. My clothes were environmentally friendly and my colors were red, white and blue, because super mom was kind to the environment and patriotic too.
I didn’t wear an apron because super mom wasn’t tied to the kitchen.
I kept my husband happy and took care of our children; all seven of them with red hair like me, (which is odd because I only have one child and I’m not a natural red head). I also had a career and saved people I didn’t know, because I can do it all, I’m super mom!
Then of course I woke up.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
1. May flowers
2. Warmer weather
3. Not hot yet
5. I would say cinco de Mayo (May 5th), but I find the mariachi bands annoying but the dresses are pretty and so are the dances.
6. Having my birthday in May (May 16th).
7. The bad thing about May is having another birthday, and adding another year to my age.
8. My mom is still giving me birthday money.
9. The bad thing spending my birthday money on wrinkle cream.
10. Being treated by my husband to a nice dinner out for my birthday.
11. Realizing afterwards that nice dinner out was so loaded with salt that my feet are swollen.
12. Mother’s day another day to be treated and having to get something for my mom.
13. Bad thing; remembering after I got home that I forgot to get my mother a gift, her birthday is in May too.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
And he had been checking the mail like every single day.
But not today!
They came in todays mail and he's asleep right now.
I put them where he can find them tomorrow.
This should be good!